I'm just going to jump right into this. Shannon is back with spencer. she had broken up with him, she and i had something, she started dating peter the same day she first told me she loved me. then she went to quuest camp, and came back dating spencer, with peter as her ex, ryker as her stand in boyfriend, engaged to david and with scarlette as her lover. none of these people live within 100 miles of her. and i, who happen to live in the same town, am getting brutally ignored. so, the youth are doing a sermon at our church. shannon and the rest of the youth group were supposed to come over last night, spend the night and we'd plan for our service. only shannon and logan showed.

Shannon of course includes mollie, her sister. but, news to me until that night, shannon was also bringing spencer. so, i pitched tent in my back yard and moved my mattress into the tent. spencer shannon and i were sharing the one mattress. which really meant that shannon and spencer kissed on my mattress while i lay there trying not to look as hurt and awkward as i felt. have you ever been forced to see something really painful, and accept it with the knowledge that you, in my case by inviting spencer over and carrying down the mattress, had condoned it. with a mix of self-pity, depression and anger i watched them lay on my bed, whispering sweet things into each other's ears. she asked me several times if they were making me uncomfortable. but how could i tell her they were after i had practically told them they could? and telling them to stop would have made my own feelings about shannon clear to spencer (who is oblivious to what she and i had). it makes me question wether or not she and i had anything at all. I cling to the knowledge that she loves me, or loved me once. but it does me little good when watching her do to him sweet things she had done to me.

i thought she loved me as recently as yesterday morning, too. after quuest she came home and told me of all these people she was involved with, but i didn't care that much. they were far away. i had forgotten that they weren't that far though. nevertheless, she came home and came to see me. she did little things that convinced me i was still loved. i decided to ignore the others, for the sake of my own happiness. but seeing her kiss spencer... hurt, and it made me question everything. everything. wether i really made her happy. wether she really made me happy. but i know she did once, because of how much it hurts now. when i told my father spencer would be coming too he surmised correctly that they were dating again. i trust my father, and i tend to keep him in the loop when it comes to these things. so when he found out he said "that girl toys with you." that scared me, because it seems so true. spencer, to peter, back to spencer, constantly talking about david, having me help tease my best friend by writing him naughty messages with her on her phone, always talking about another man. It makes me wonder why logic didn't simply override this imbecilic emotion called love and let me cut things off.

i'm thinking i should do that now. break things off, that is. i can't take this. i'm hoping she reads this, because it will leave the initiative in her hands. it allows me to tell myself that i just let things happen, and that maybe it was her fault. consciously i don't want that, but my subconscious doesn't want to deal with having killed something that my romantic brain will say might have had a chance. what i want her to do is tell me if she still loves me. i want her to explain why she does things like talk about david constantly. she's begun referring to me as her best friend. and i can live with that. but thats what i was always telling people we were when we were involved:that we were just best friends. and we were best friends before. good lord, i had forgotten about the drama that, for me, surrounded telling her i liked her.

i need to make this blog, and the depression that goes with it, end. i don't think i'm actually depressed, but i'm very tired from marching, and it's easy to let sad things take over. i need to know, Shannon. please tell me if you love me or not. answer my many questions. i need finality though. yet i can't see her breaking up with spencer to be with me. so it seems as if i'm doomed. but better to know one is doomed than to be doomed and think there is still hope.

I need to put myself into a new way of thinking. the way i have now is second guessing, and cynical. it leaves me tired, and i can't keep it up. I'm feeling desperate tonight. the following is the frame of mind i'm going to try to fit into:

there is nothing i can do to stop what is coming, whatever that is. the only thing i can for towards is good, and can do no prevention of evil. "it'll all work out." "go with the flow." i have to learn to cope with what happens. i need to live in NOW, i can't keep thinking of future. i have my week planned out, and almost my month. but i don't know what to do when a choice just comes at me. when i get to the short term i can't cope. and i need to. i need to be here now.

nobody can connect with me next week, the need to be able to be with me now. only now. only now. only now. the future holds too much for me to be able to worry about it effectively. now is all that can matter. tonight i'll pray, in my own way, and i'm going to meditate. i can put myself in this frame of mind. i can and i will.

right now i feel desperate. i'm going to relax tonight, so that i can associate my new thought process with peace and serenity. by the morning the basic OS will be up, and with time i will continue to whip my thoughts back to the now. this can be done, and i know how. i will. this blog feels frantic, with short sentences that don't make sense. but i need to put this down somewhere. i'm going to sign off soon, and think.

A brief side note: I just looked at the roots of "philosophy" and it means "to love wisdom". very cool, and it gives insight into the meaning and purpose of philosophy in the world.

Love. I'm sure all of us have experienced it at one time or another, even if a successful relationship has never come into existence. But we all know that love is powerful. I was going to say it was wonderful, before remembering all the suffering brought upon me by love. But powerful fits quite well. The highest peaks of my joy have been brought on by love, and the deepest pits of what borders on depression (my family has a history for depression. I have to be careful.). But right now, and for the last week or so, I've been on top of the world. Shannon loves me! She tells me, she shows me and I know that she loves me. Not only that, but I love her! I tell her, I show her, and god I hope she knows. I've been writing songs. Laying on my bed, playing Pachelbell's canon and thinking of her, I've written a song! It's pretty, like her, and elegant like her, and beautiful like her. and when I play it I feel happy, because I remember that when I wrote it, and now, she loves me. And despite our separation this week I am happy, thinking of returning home so I can hold her, and kiss her, and tell her I love her in person. and when I tell her I love her, she squeezes me a little tighter, and whispers back "I love you." and I so look forward to that. But I shall endure this vacation with good grace, and genuinely enjoy it too. There is no fear of that. So only boredom plauges me  now, but boredom I can easily stave off by imagining her. My imagination is potent, and can create realities that I must work to avoid. But when I'm bored I have respite, picturing beautiful things, then doing them later. I dream of a dinner that I shall cook for her. Candles light the room, and her blue eyes are caught by the light. I bring out the dish, and dishes. We eat, light conversation ensues. After dinner I put the dishes in the dishwasher, and wander into the living room. The Dave Brubeck Quartet is playing softly on the speakers, but I turn that off, replacing it with a movie. Probably a comedy, Mel Brooks or his ilk. We sit on the couch as usual, her back against the armrest, me sitting normally against the back and her legs across me. As the movie progresses she slowly shifts , as do I, until she is sitting in my lap, my arms around her waist. The movie ends to find us holding each other, kissing. The movie ceases to be important as she puts her hands in my hair and kisses me with fiery passion. Nothing more lewd happens (in this version). Eventually she returns home, and I go to bed dreaming of the angel I held in my lap that evening. You see? Potent. The problem is getting a night with my parents gone to make this dream a reality. But for now this dream shall suffice. I'm so thoroughly enamored that i've ceased seeing other girls. not in the sense that i had other romantic interests, but in the sense that all i see is another person, not a sexy creature with breasts. My bi mother points out babes as we walk through denver, and ordinarily i've spotted them before her. but now i glance up, dragging myself from thought, and merely acknowledge for her that i looked. Strange changes have been brought about, but none of them unwelcome. My thoughts turn constantly to Shannon, and my concentration from other things is easily broken at the mention of her.  I'm in love. which is all this entire blog really says. "i'm in love." so simple, but so complex, and fully capable of filling my mind. This grows overlong (that's what she said) so i shall truncate this blog her. good night all, and be well. As lionvibes says "bless up."
Arlo